Well, one year has wrapped up and another has begun. Doesn’t seem like all that long ago that we were hunkered down, worrying about whether all those dire predictions of doom from Y2K were going to cause the planet to crash and burn, right?
Those predictions, thankfully, turned out to be nothing. But perhaps that’s because the prognosticators didn’t have the benefit of the sophisticated prediction tools and algorithms that I now have at my fingertips. That’s why I’m totally confident issuing the following Six Fearless Predictions For The Rest of the Decade.
Prediction #1: In January of 2016, at the electronics show in Las Vegas, a brand new hand-held device will be introduced that will stream HD and MIDI LCD TV via HULU and VISTA-Enabled live interactive Type 3.8 TiVo-Capacitated 5G LTE-R Fire-Wire Cross-Linked Motion-Indexed-Clarity with a Tri-Core Processor capable of simultaneous Quad-App Interaction and Tera-Bit Q-Pod Ultra-Beta Pixilation. It will become the new standard for television.
In February, 2016, every person over the age of 40 will no longer understand how to watch television.
Prediction #2: In late September, 2017, Boeing will introduce the NS2280 jet airliner. The NS2280 will be the first plane to officially carry the NS – No Seat – designation, and will instead have 2,280 bus-style overhead hanging straps for passengers to hang onto during flight. The NS2280 will be an overnight success, and will be ordered by every airline in America as they phase out the outmoded concept of sitting down while flying.
In early October, 2017, airlines will remove the straps, and then rent them back to passengers for an additional fee. First class passengers will have the option of paying more for a padded strap.
Prediction #3: On December 23, 2017, just in time for Christmas, the iphone287 will be introduced. This will be the first phone without the ability to make a phone call. On December 24, 2017, the iphone288 will be introduced to supersede the iphone287. This phone will feature teeth, and will be programmed to seek out and eat all previous iphone models.
Prediction #4: On August 17, 2018, there will inexplicably be a 46 second span in time during which not a single Kardashian will appear on the front page of any magazine, newspaper, website, or other media outlet. This will cause widespread panic on every continent, and the earth will actually tilt .76 degrees on its axis. The Centers for Kardashian Cultivation – having prepared for decades for just such an eventuality – will automatically spring into action, releasing pods of additional Kardashians into carefully selected jewelry stores, boutiques, wedding chapels, divorce courts, and other public relations hot spots, and the end of the world as we know it will be narrowly averted.
Prediction #5: On October 30, 2019, the Mirror Pond Advisory Committee will add three additional members, bringing the total number of people consulting on this project to 26,187. In a related prediction, the Committee will vote to hold all future meetings at their new permanent facility atop Mount Mirror Pond, the 63-foot-high silt mound located downtown at the site of the former Mirror Pond.
Prediction #6: On December 31, 2020, in an astounding turn of events and a display of incredible leadership, both houses of Congress will work together to pass sweeping, common-sense, bi-partisan legislation that will slash taxes and have wide-ranging benefits for every American citizen.
On January 1, 2021, representatives from both parties will then stand on the steps of Congress and jointly address the American people with the following statement:
“Nah, just kidding.”
