Amber and Greg have been married three years and are at a crossroad. Greg is concerned that money is tight and they are not saving for retirement or unforeseen events. He worries that Amber consistently spends too much and that they will end up in debt. Amber believes the couple has enough income, but Greg spends too much on his truck, boat and snowmobile payments. She feels she is spending the minimum on household expenses.
John and Susan have been married for 23 years. Their children have left the nest, and the couple wants to explore how they would be affected by the practical implications of divorce.
Steve and Lynn have been arguing about everything since Steve had an affair. Lynn doesn’t know whether she can stay married, given her lack of trust, even though Steve promises the affair is over, was a mistake, and it will never happen again. They are committed to remaining married, but want to establish rules of engagement for relating to each other when trust issues arise.
These situations are ripe for marital mediation, also known as “mediation to stay married.” Marital mediation is for couples that may want to work to stay together by learning to resolve the conflicts in their relationship. It is a hands on, solution-oriented approach toward addressing a couple’s marital issues. It is ideal for couples who may not be on the same page about whether the marriage should continue, or couples who want to preserve the marriage but are unsure how to make that happen. If, during the course of the marital mediation, the couples agree that ending the marriage would be best, the mediators are available to guide the couple through that process.
A marital mediation looks much like a traditional mediation, using classic dispute resolution techniques. A mediator provides a safe, confidential environment in which the parties can candidly discuss their issues, each communicating his/her perspective. The mediator helps the parties identify the underlying issues that are often eclipsed by the more obvious issues. The mediators, often by modeling, teach constructive communication skills and, and assists the couple in exploring potential resolutions. Spouses attempt to reach an understanding and agree on the best course of action.
Though the mediation process is often therapeutic, it is not therapy. Spouses often see mental health professionals either together or individually in conjunction with marital mediation. Mental health professionals can offer penetrating insight into behavior. Mediation, however, is less interested in the ‘whys” and focuses on how the couple will interact moving forward. Perhaps the most significant difference between marital mediation and therapy is that the former focuses on what the spouses will do in the future, while therapy probes into past issues and interactions and explores the psychological aspects of the couples’ past interactions.
This forward vs. backward-looking approach is illustrated by a metaphor: driving down the road it is more useful to look ahead through the windshield than back in the rear-view mirror. And having a toolbox of dispute resolution skills is invaluable when the parties encounter the next bump in the road.
Jo Zucker, attorney and mediator for Cascades Mediation, jo@CascadesMediation.com.
